Friday, May 29, 2009

Last Night

I went on a street walk with (D). There is something about wandering the back allies and behind the bright lights of the city that makes one feel strangely like a space shuttle or a monad. I was glad to be with (D) and his friends but I still felt singular and like I was only watching people out of Emerson's giant eyeball. I am amazed at how engaged (D) is in these situations. He was warm and human and comforting. I would like to keep going with him on these street walks.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Words. I am having a hard time producing them. There has been some massive rupture in the thinking process. I read. I read. I read all this academic jumbo and I can scarcely put together a sentence any longer. Worse yet, I do not know why it is that I might want to put together a sentence.

I have lost almost entirely my sense of a transcendent logos outside of time that made wordsmithing sensical. I am alone with my words, my broken syntax, my empty longing to connect and to communicate. I want this blog to be anonymous. Hoping that there might be some way forward...

Perhaps, empty communication might bring back words to me. In this sense blogging might become somewhat of a prayer. But a prayer to the empty, merciless, chaos of cyberspace.

Should I rather write a friend?
I have been trying to learn grammar as a therapeutic activity. It is my theory that my general sense of incompetence stems from my inability, to stop slicing sentences with commons. However, I find grammar books to be very moralizing. Some of the moralizing I can identify with. For instance, I do think that over use of the passive voice or phrases beginning with "it is" or "there are" can hide agency. "There is a lot of sludge in rivers." "The rivers have been polluted." These sentences ignore agency.

However, all the talk of our Fall into bad grammar seems to be a tad bit over dramatic. I am interested only in the declension that happens to nominatives. Not, so much other narratives of grammatical declension.

I will let you know if I begin to find some peace of mind and a stronger sense of self in my grammatical exercises.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Today has been so banal. I am ashamed of myself a little. I followed the classic route by which I squander a day. In general all such days include an inordinate amount of time spent on the computer. I am doing better at ignoring facebook and its mutiple possibilities. I am not doing as well as ignoring blogs, news, movie reviews and impossible schemings.

I have a sense that my time on the computer is exacerbating a tendency to be fractured, to follow what Thomas would call the sin of curiositas, and to not think and feel and love from a deep center. In short, it has become sinful. Perhaps, slothful. This blog is an attempt to be more doxological about my time.