Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I am trying to work my way through each week's lectionary texts.

 27Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you.

I have been desperate to get a job lately.  As I have said over and over and over again.... I want to feel like an ADULT.  When did I get to this point? --- This point where my sense of maturity is so tightly tied to employment?

I always tell my two older children that "being an adult" means taking care of others.  I certainly do that!  Yet, whatever my theoretical understanding of human maturity,  I desperately want to get my pay--tangible evidence that I have worth, that people need me, and that at a practical level, I am valued.

Indeed--just lately-- more than ever before in my life-- I have been really craving stuff.  Nice stuff.  Coaches, and beds, and cars, and canoes, and new running shorts, and little bungalows.  Friends are getting these things and I have been wanting them.  Even more troubling is that I feel like they are deserved--that Doug and I are people with the kind of gifts that deserve to be rewarded in this way--  That, moreover, we must be failing or doing something really perverse if we are not obtaining these things.  It is hard to accept instead of these things a promissory note from God--what tender? " This bearer is entitled one free ticket to heaven."   Right now it just feel like an entitlement to absolutely banal, white, Western, first- world suffering.  Suffering people thinking that you are a slacker, or lazy, or just not too talented, or not very likeable.....  There is much worse suffering, but this is where I am right now.  I am willing to give up things, but I am not really sure if it is doing anyone any good. Is the world better because Doug and I aren't lawyers.  Moreover, I am not understanding why I should give these things up when other wonderful and faithful people aren't. . . .  So-in-so, they are great... they are great Christians AND they get stuff.  Good stuff.  I want stuff.  Or, that is more or less how it works....

If this eternal pay is more than just a free ticket to heaven--you can't win that anyway--then, what is it?  Shouldn't I just be bursting with joy?  Look at all the diversity at my dinner table? Shouldn't I be learning amazing lesson from living with so many people, from so many walks of life?  Isn't it all suppose to be a little piece of heaven?  Aren't I suppose to be getting a foretaste of the eternal pay, of a future great, reward.....?

What's going wrong?

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