Saturday, March 9, 2013

On half-gods and vocation.

Heartily know,
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive. 

This bit from Emerson has been running through my mind off and on for the last week or so. This academic thing does not seem to be working.  I have given much to pursue this academic path; I never gave everything.  I took long breaks to care for a dying Mom and for chubby kneed babies, to preach, and to start a Christian community, and sometimes just to take a much-needed nap.  I have worked hard, but I know many who work harder.  There have been days that I have enjoyed my work--in libraries, in the classroom, presenting a paper, chatting.  But, there have been more days that I have bitterly despised.  My devil is in the details--the footnotes, the grammatical precision, grading schemas, getting the nuts and bolts of the syllabus right, emails;  I have felt the sting of not being able to fit the mold of the effortlessly perfect.  I have felt chastened for thinking that loving ideas is as important as publishing ideas or for perfectly footnoting ideas.  I can't seem to ever figure out what is current or the currency I am suppose to possess.  I miss.  I try.  I miss.  I hit the target sometimes.  I have postured.  I have tied my worth up into a very small package. I don't read poetry enough or think enough.  I have gossipped.  I have competed over very small honors.  Sometimes I have competed with viciousness....  I have learned, but I have lacked wisdom....  This is from someone that has always tried to not make the academy an idol...  Who has at many crucial junctures put other things--other very important things-- first-- with my best energy.  But, I have failed.   I am tired of giving this chipped Shiva sitting on my desk my blood and soul.  I am tired of feeling bad for failing to render it adequate service.  

Half-god go!

I am waiting.

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