Thursday, June 25, 2009

Good Morning Resentment

As of late, I have been frustrated by the tide of resentment that greets me in the morning.  Regardless of how assiduously I thwart its thralldom during the day, it always seems to come right back at me in the morning.  Today, I went running.  As I was pounding the pavement trying to outrun the darker angels of my nature, I began to realize how much my resentment has it sources in my overweening desire to be in control. I resent those that get the awards, praise, kudos that I desire. I have never thought of myself as a particularly ambitious.  But, I am.  I am also frightened because my lack of ability to perform means that I might not be as safe as I would like to be.   So, the question is what part of this gorgon to I take on first: the sense of profound inefficacy, the ambition, the desire for control or the resentment?  The question:  can I diagnosis the center of this whole cluster of problems in my inability to allow God to be the Sovereign of the universe and my consequent inability to allow myself to be part of God's life in the world--whatever that means for my ambition?  Or, do I take on the problems symptomatically.  Tackle the resentment when it comes, the sense of incompetence when it comes. . .  ? 


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