Doug,
You wrote such a beautiful love letter. Thank you! I have been wanting to respond for quite some time. What has delayed me? Well, I do have a particular gift of knowing when I am out-matched-- "know when to fold em!"
I can't possibly write as beautiful of a love letter to you as you have written to me, but I will do my best to speak earnestly and straightforwardly.
I became a bit too obsessed with the Holocaust when I was an adolescent. In particular with the question: "What would I have done if I lived in Nazi Germany and a Jewish family asked for my help?" I read the Hiding Place several times. In that intense time of faith discovery the question: "am I brave?" loomed large. .. this became a kind of test question for me regarding the authenticity of my own faith... what would I do?
I worried/worry that I would not have been brave.
I do not have those doubts about you, my love.
In the last year I have failed to defend you as vocally as you would have liked, but in a critical moment that should have made a world of difference this is what I said: "I have no doubt what Doug would have done if he had lived during Nazism in Germany. He is the best person I know."
What more can one say than that?
You know that I also think that you are a royal pain in the ass. We have disagreed vehemently about tactics and strategy since last October, but I don't think you ever wanted to be married to a "YES woMAN." Sure....I know it is difficult to be married to one of those Muppet hecklers, but I also think you have the grace to realize that a bit of a heckler is precisely what you need! -- A bit of a ballast against your cocksured-ness. I know this year has winded you.
I also know that you are the more gentle of the two of us.
I know it feels like your capacity to sit so patiently at a bedside, or write such a thoughtful eulogy, or make the impossible possible for a heartbroken Mother, or help a newcomer family secure a home or a sense of calling has been forgotten, but I remember.
And also God....
Nothing is lost to the heart of God,
nothing is lost for ever;
God's heart is love,
and that love will remain,
holding the world forever.
No impulse of love,
no office of care,
no moment of life in its fullness;
no beginning too late,
no ending too soon,
but is gathered and known in its goodness.
I hope you know that you are loved... by me... and with an everlasting love that does not require computation or this-worldly accounting. We have both banked a lot on that being enough, more than enough, more than sufficient. We will see. We will continue to see.
With Hesed,
Your Jo.
