Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I rarely find myself awake at 2:30. I think that it might be a simple matter of too much coffee and a full moon. I always kind of enjoy these lucid intervals in the middle of the night. I had quite a few of them when I was pregnant with Simeon. That was a heady time. I was studying for the GRE, trying to secure one more recommendation, and finish my course work, and apply to Graduate School. A crazy time. But, I have good memories of staying up late reading Barth and Foucault.
I have jumped through a massive amount of hoops during the last six years. It is hard to work so hard and still feel like things aren't quite going to work out. That perhaps the die was already cast and that you are just fruitlessly kicking against the pricks. I have always found it particularly hard to work hard for something and simultaneously leave the fruition and the outcome to God. It may be the case that an academic career is simply not going to work out. I still remember my pre-teen frustration that every time I prayed in a Basketball game, "God, please let me hit this free throw--just once," I never did. It was difficult to realize that what I want and what God wants are not the same thing. And, in the scheme of things my wanting a personally rewarding and enjoyable career might stack about as high as nailing a free throw. I know... this is not precisely ad majorem dei gloriam or Calvinist vocation talk. I tend to think that our general vocation the love and hope and faith stuff is probably enough for most of us. Most of us don't necessarily require a special call from God.
Yet, I have to admit to having experienced one. Many of you that are closest to me know that when I was a very young girl I sense a distinct call to the ministry. I never have precisely rejected this call. Perhaps, I am waiting to hear it in a more visceral way or a more concrete way or through the ministry of my church. Who knows? I really don't. Quite honestly. Truth be told, sometimes I think that the academia is not going to work because it never was suppose to work. I know. I know. I know. There are many things I feel when I hear myself saying this-- excuses, excuses; or fears; or a case of the grapes are sour anyways; or when will that girl shake her evangelicalism?, or, or? Well. I don't know. I really don't know. And, that is all she wrote.