On sleepless nights and courage

I have woken up the last few nights at 3:16 am.

Seeing the same time three nights in a row made me think of the Fred Roger's documentary I saw recently. He weighed 143 lbs. most of his adult life and every time he saw the scale he would recall the phrase "I love you" -- I (1) Love (4) You (3). He saw this as a reminder of God's love.


When I once again saw 3:16 flashing at me it reminded me of the ubiquitous verse from John:


For God so Love the World that God gave God's only begotten son.


I find in interesting that Fred Rogers looked and found signs for God's accompaniment in mundane signs. What would it mean for me to be more attentive to God's words of comfort and presence breaking in all around me? Would it do me some good as I lay awake: fearful of the darkness of the world and of my own life to turn to these words from John? The words echo strong and familiar always in my memory in the King James Version: only begotten, whosoever, believeth, shall not perish...

I confess that I don't spend a lot of time thinking about "everlasting life." I do spend a lot of time thinking about God's love and what it means to be held by God's love. I believe very fervently in love's redeeming power and that love is able to make a way where there is no way. And it is not that I don't believe in "life eternal." I just don't think about it that much. But maybe I should more. Christianity isn't just a big bag of metaphors. If it is going to matter for my dark nights or anyone's dark night it needs to offer more than just vague promises of community and toothless moralism. Everything that is really, truly worth loving is worth dying for. . . and since that cost is so searing and final there really does need to be more on offer than what this life can give.


And so today I will be praying for the doctors, nurses, hospital cleaning staff, people at the checkouts of grocery stores and pharmacies who are putting their health and lives on the line for other people.

We owe so much to those people who are willing to transcend self-interest and at times like these we are reminded that there can be no morality or goodness or truth without courage.

And I will try to be a bit more brave for my children and for other people who need me to be brave.

And I will look for for cracks in the universe where God might be trying to whisper words of direction and comfort to me.

And yet....

One thing that I keep thinking about that story of Fred Rogers is that there had to have been a day when the scales stopped reading 143. When his cancer advanced...

as he neared death...

When there were no comforting signs in the world around.

And so..

If you can't see God anywhere in any of this... that is okay too.

For right now, I am trying to rest in God's promise in John 3:16

God will be with us beyond the end.